We love you (and your cute family too!)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Buds
Tyler has discovered he has a collection of stuffed animals
and he loves them!
He loves giving them hugs,
squishing his face in their softness,
carrying them around,
and falling on them.
He has also found out how exciting gravity can be.
Stairs + stuffed animals=FUN!
Buds!
and he loves them!
He loves giving them hugs,
squishing his face in their softness,
carrying them around,
and falling on them.
He has also found out how exciting gravity can be.
Stairs + stuffed animals=FUN!
Buds!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Reflections
The other day I was talking to someone about my last miscarriage. This person was very sympathetic, knowing all that we've gone through. I said, "Well, it's disappointing, but EVERYONE has disappointments." To which she replied, "Yeah, but that doesn't make it better." It was a kind, gentle way of saying, "It's OK to take your brave face off and be sad."
This conversation has really given me a lot to think about and reflect on.
I know it may seem strange, but I'm not sad about the miscarriages. And I don't think I'm in denial or attempting to mask my feelings. I'm not sad, because of 2 reasons: 1.) I have received tremendous strength and peace from the Lord and 2.) past experiences count for EVERYTHING.
I'll explain the 2nd reason first. I returned from my mission when I was 22 years old. I didn't get married until I was 32 years old. That's 10 years of really, really wanting something (to get married) and not getting it. During that time I went through the "Poor me! Woe is me!" stage, and to be honest, it sucked! There is nothing to be gained by focusing on what you don't have. It didn't speed up time so I could get married sooner. It just made life miserable. (I think a good definition of a miserable life is a life where you are only thinking about yourself--no matter what circumstances you find yourself in.)
In hindsight, I can see that everything worked out perfectly, just as it should have, even though I had to go through 10 years of "singlehood." (Is that a word?!?) I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knew what was best for me.
I love this quote by Elder Neal A. Maxwell:
“Petitioning in prayer has taught me, again and again, that the vault of heaven with all its blessings is to be opened only by a combination lock. One tumbler falls when there is faith; a second when there is personal righteousness; the third and final tumbler falls only when what is sought is, in God’s judgment—not ours—right for us. Sometimes we pound on the vault door for something we want very much and wonder why the door does not open. We would be very spoiled children if that vault door opened any more easily than it does. I can tell, looking back, that God truly loves me by inventorying the petitions He has refused to grant me. Our rejected petitions tell us much about ourselves but also much about our flawless Father.”
I can see that this has been the case in my own life. I KNOW Heavenly Father answers prayers in ways that will be the best for us. Because I know that, I refuse to relive my past mistake of thinking "Poor me!" I had to learn the hard way that that attitude will not change anything, and I really don't want to go down that road again.
And now to the real Source of peace and happiness: the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I love the story in the Book of Mormon of Alma and his followers. They were in bondage and their "task masters" had told them that they would be put to death if they prayed aloud. They continued to pray, but in their hearts. The Lord said unto them,
"Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
"And I will ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflicitions." (Mosiah 24: 13-14)
In the next verse it says:
"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."
There are 2 things that I get out these verses. First, the Lord WILL make our burdens light and easy to bear if we trust in Him. Second, covenants with the Lord give us power and protection. (See Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk on this very subject here.)
I echo Ammon's thoughts when he said:
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things."
I know I am being strengthened and blessed in this trial. Darrell and I really do want to have another baby, and we think things will eventually work out for that to happen. But until that happens, we will rely on God's wisdom and love.
This conversation has really given me a lot to think about and reflect on.
I know it may seem strange, but I'm not sad about the miscarriages. And I don't think I'm in denial or attempting to mask my feelings. I'm not sad, because of 2 reasons: 1.) I have received tremendous strength and peace from the Lord and 2.) past experiences count for EVERYTHING.
I'll explain the 2nd reason first. I returned from my mission when I was 22 years old. I didn't get married until I was 32 years old. That's 10 years of really, really wanting something (to get married) and not getting it. During that time I went through the "Poor me! Woe is me!" stage, and to be honest, it sucked! There is nothing to be gained by focusing on what you don't have. It didn't speed up time so I could get married sooner. It just made life miserable. (I think a good definition of a miserable life is a life where you are only thinking about yourself--no matter what circumstances you find yourself in.)
In hindsight, I can see that everything worked out perfectly, just as it should have, even though I had to go through 10 years of "singlehood." (Is that a word?!?) I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knew what was best for me.
I love this quote by Elder Neal A. Maxwell:
“Petitioning in prayer has taught me, again and again, that the vault of heaven with all its blessings is to be opened only by a combination lock. One tumbler falls when there is faith; a second when there is personal righteousness; the third and final tumbler falls only when what is sought is, in God’s judgment—not ours—right for us. Sometimes we pound on the vault door for something we want very much and wonder why the door does not open. We would be very spoiled children if that vault door opened any more easily than it does. I can tell, looking back, that God truly loves me by inventorying the petitions He has refused to grant me. Our rejected petitions tell us much about ourselves but also much about our flawless Father.”
I can see that this has been the case in my own life. I KNOW Heavenly Father answers prayers in ways that will be the best for us. Because I know that, I refuse to relive my past mistake of thinking "Poor me!" I had to learn the hard way that that attitude will not change anything, and I really don't want to go down that road again.
And now to the real Source of peace and happiness: the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I love the story in the Book of Mormon of Alma and his followers. They were in bondage and their "task masters" had told them that they would be put to death if they prayed aloud. They continued to pray, but in their hearts. The Lord said unto them,
"Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
"And I will ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflicitions." (Mosiah 24: 13-14)
In the next verse it says:
"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."
There are 2 things that I get out these verses. First, the Lord WILL make our burdens light and easy to bear if we trust in Him. Second, covenants with the Lord give us power and protection. (See Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk on this very subject here.)
I echo Ammon's thoughts when he said:
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things."
I know I am being strengthened and blessed in this trial. Darrell and I really do want to have another baby, and we think things will eventually work out for that to happen. But until that happens, we will rely on God's wisdom and love.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Blessed!
This week we found out I was pregnant (!!!!), but it was short-lived and ended in a miscarriage again. We're disappointed, but not defeated.
I believe we were given the 10th commandment, "Thou shalt not covet," for times such as these. In general, none of us goes around coveting our neighbors' property and plotting ways to steal it from them. But we do see things that we wish would happen in our lives and we hope for those things. It's not wrong to have righteous desires, but neither is it productive to focus on things we DON'T have. I think the 10th commandment is to remind us of how blessed we truly are. We need to spend less time focusing on the things we DON'T have, and keep focusing on the blessings we DO have.
One bright spot in this miscarriage is that we found out quite quickly that it had occurred. Our last miscarriage was kind of drawn out with hopeful waiting. I really didn't want to go through that again, and luckily we didn't have to. I consider that a blessing. This morning I was talking to a lady at Curves who, not knowing that I was dealing with a miscarriage, told me how her sister had a miscarriage this week. She was 5 months along, but they believe the fetus died at 4 months. The sister had to go through labor and deliver a deceased baby. After hearing that story I was REALLY glad my miscarriage happened when and how it did.
I have so much to be grateful for: a great husband, a super cute little boy who we LOVE to PIECES, a beautiful house, a free country to live in, Darrell's good job, our good health, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and great family and friends.
Tyler has been mastering walking this week and is so cute. This video clip of him teaches me some great lessons about life:
*be cheerful and happy
*check in with those you love often
*when life hands you a "face plant," jump right back up (and do some raspberries if you feel like it)
*and if it all becomes overwhelming, return to your knees....
I believe we were given the 10th commandment, "Thou shalt not covet," for times such as these. In general, none of us goes around coveting our neighbors' property and plotting ways to steal it from them. But we do see things that we wish would happen in our lives and we hope for those things. It's not wrong to have righteous desires, but neither is it productive to focus on things we DON'T have. I think the 10th commandment is to remind us of how blessed we truly are. We need to spend less time focusing on the things we DON'T have, and keep focusing on the blessings we DO have.
One bright spot in this miscarriage is that we found out quite quickly that it had occurred. Our last miscarriage was kind of drawn out with hopeful waiting. I really didn't want to go through that again, and luckily we didn't have to. I consider that a blessing. This morning I was talking to a lady at Curves who, not knowing that I was dealing with a miscarriage, told me how her sister had a miscarriage this week. She was 5 months along, but they believe the fetus died at 4 months. The sister had to go through labor and deliver a deceased baby. After hearing that story I was REALLY glad my miscarriage happened when and how it did.
I have so much to be grateful for: a great husband, a super cute little boy who we LOVE to PIECES, a beautiful house, a free country to live in, Darrell's good job, our good health, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and great family and friends.
Tyler has been mastering walking this week and is so cute. This video clip of him teaches me some great lessons about life:
*be cheerful and happy
*check in with those you love often
*when life hands you a "face plant," jump right back up (and do some raspberries if you feel like it)
*and if it all becomes overwhelming, return to your knees....
Sunday, August 2, 2009
But if not...
Not too long ago I was reading in the Old Testament about Daniel (of Daniel and the lion's den fame) and his 3 good buddies--Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego had been "caught" not bowing down to the false idols. Upon hearing this, the king had the 3 brought before him and told them that if they would not bow down and worship the idols, they would be thrown in a "fiery furnace."
I love the response of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego:
"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.
"But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." (Daniel 3:17-18, italics added)
These 3 young men knew that their God could deliver them from the fiery furnace, but they also knew that if, for whatever reason, their God decided to not stop the evil men, and would instead, allow these noble youth to return to His presence, then they were OK with that. Under no conditions of threats of death were they going to worship false idols.
The king did have the 3 thrown into the fiery furnace. In fact, he was so mad at their defiance that he ordered the furnace be made 7 times hotter. The guards who went to throw these stalwart young men into the fire were burned to death because of its intense heat. Not only did Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego NOT die, they were visited in the flames by the Son of God and preserved.
This scripture story reminded me of a conference talk given by Elder Dennis E. Simmons in the April General Conference of 2004. You can go here to read it.
I love this quote about faith from the talk. He says:
"They [Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego] knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped. They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.
"Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him."
I especially love that last paragraph. This talk really stood out to me when I first heard it 5 years ago. At the time I was single and still looking for Darrell (although I didn't know it was Darrell that I was looking for). This talk gave me so much peace and hope at that time in my life. I had faith that I would find someone to marry, but I didn't know when it would happen. I remember coming to the conclusion that I really wanted to get married, but if it was the Lord's will that I wait for several years, then that would be OK because it was all in the Lord's hands. I was trying to do all that I could on my part, and He would take care of the rest. It wasn't 3-4 months later that Darrell and I started dating, and the rest is history.
A week and a half ago we had another frozen embryo transfer. We will find out this week if I am pregnant or not. I don't know what the results will be. I DO know that I hope this transfer works and that we can have another baby, BUT IF NOT then I'm OK with that too. More than wanting a baby, I want to be faithful to the Lord and His will. I want things to happen in His way and in His time because ultimately that will be the BEST way.
I'm grateful for a loving, patient Heavenly Father who has helped me come to that conclusion in peace. I'm not saying that I won't be disappointed if the pregnancy test comes back negative, but I do know it's not the end of the world. I have so many things to be grateful for. I am so BLESSED!
I love the response of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego:
"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.
"But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." (Daniel 3:17-18, italics added)
These 3 young men knew that their God could deliver them from the fiery furnace, but they also knew that if, for whatever reason, their God decided to not stop the evil men, and would instead, allow these noble youth to return to His presence, then they were OK with that. Under no conditions of threats of death were they going to worship false idols.
The king did have the 3 thrown into the fiery furnace. In fact, he was so mad at their defiance that he ordered the furnace be made 7 times hotter. The guards who went to throw these stalwart young men into the fire were burned to death because of its intense heat. Not only did Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego NOT die, they were visited in the flames by the Son of God and preserved.
This scripture story reminded me of a conference talk given by Elder Dennis E. Simmons in the April General Conference of 2004. You can go here to read it.
I love this quote about faith from the talk. He says:
"They [Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego] knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped. They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.
"Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him."
I especially love that last paragraph. This talk really stood out to me when I first heard it 5 years ago. At the time I was single and still looking for Darrell (although I didn't know it was Darrell that I was looking for). This talk gave me so much peace and hope at that time in my life. I had faith that I would find someone to marry, but I didn't know when it would happen. I remember coming to the conclusion that I really wanted to get married, but if it was the Lord's will that I wait for several years, then that would be OK because it was all in the Lord's hands. I was trying to do all that I could on my part, and He would take care of the rest. It wasn't 3-4 months later that Darrell and I started dating, and the rest is history.
A week and a half ago we had another frozen embryo transfer. We will find out this week if I am pregnant or not. I don't know what the results will be. I DO know that I hope this transfer works and that we can have another baby, BUT IF NOT then I'm OK with that too. More than wanting a baby, I want to be faithful to the Lord and His will. I want things to happen in His way and in His time because ultimately that will be the BEST way.
I'm grateful for a loving, patient Heavenly Father who has helped me come to that conclusion in peace. I'm not saying that I won't be disappointed if the pregnancy test comes back negative, but I do know it's not the end of the world. I have so many things to be grateful for. I am so BLESSED!
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